Things I am not allowed to do in the Game of Thrones Universe
by redshadowalchemist
Summary: Something I wrote at 3am. Things I am not allowed to do in the Game of thrones universe (unless I want to die) rated for mentions of incest and prostitution and other game of thronesy stuff because I'm paranoid.


**Couldn't sleep at 3 am this morning so I wrote this. Lack of sleep does weird stuff to my brain but I thought I'd publish it a seen what people think. I'm quite proud of a few of them but a lot is just filler. I've seen loads of how to annoy/ things I am not allowed to do lists but I've not seen one for Game of Thrones yet. If there is one I would like a link to see how they compare. **

1\. Will not douse Lady Melisandre a fire extinguisher.

2\. Will not sing two and a half men when Tyrion is with Bron and Podrick.

3\. -or Tywin and Jaime.

4\. Will not play beverly hillbillies around Cersei, Jamie and/or Joffrey

5\. -or Daenerys and Vaserys 6. -or Craster and his daughters (there's a lot of incest in game of thrones)

7\. Even if I'm genuinely getting married I must not invite any Starks it makes them paranoid.

8\. Will not send prostitues to Theon its cruel (even if Ramsey snow did it)

9\. Nor will I send prostitues to lord Varys even if he doesn't have me killed he's probably got dirt on me that I don't want made public.

10\. -Will not send prostitues to Joffrey as they may be killed or maimed.

11\. -Will not send prostitues to Loras Tyrell

12\. will not send prostitues to anyone especially if they are not a straight,b in possession of a dick and c sane

13\. Even if Tyrion does it

14\. Even if Little finger gives me a discount

15\. Even if I think Daenerys is awesome. I will not start a Daenerys Targeryn for Queen campaign in kings landing I will die.

16\. Under no circumstances will i invite Sansa Stark to play happy families.

17\. I will not send Jaime a request for child support signed from Cersei

18\. It doesn't matter if I think they would make a good couple i will not try to set up Olenna Tyrell and Tywin Lannister on a date.

19\. I will not show the crows zombie films they're freaked out enough.

20\. I will not ask daenerys targeryn who died and made her Queen

21\. I will not share my theory about john snow being the child of Lyanna Stark and Rhegar Targaryen within his hearing.

22\. Telling king robert this theory may get me killed.

23\. Nor will I share my theory that Tyrion is the son of Aerys Targeryn and Johanna Lannister within anyone's hearing

24\. I will not ask jaime to lend me a hand it wasnt funny the first hundred times and its not funny now.

25\. I will not send in an application for Brienne to go on a makeover program.

26\. Nor will I sing the song my gay boyfriend whenever she it talking to Renly Barathreon.

27\. I will not start the Westeros branch of the monster raving looney party.

28\. -nor will I ask King Joffrey to be the party's chairman.

29\. I will not hire a prostitute to try and convert Stannis Barathreon to scientology on the ground he'll believe anyone with nice breasts

30\. If it works i will not tell him he is true king of another planet and to buy Spaceships I need all his gold.

31\. It doesn't matter how much Tywin Lannister is paying me I will not try and get "the rains of Castamere" declared the national anthem. It might put me on Arya's death list.

32\. I will not introduce Tywin to the payday loan business model he's bad enough as it is.

33\. I will not get Podrick to write about what he did to the whores and sell it...even though everyman in westwros wants a little finger goes bankrupt I may die.

34\. Even though Cersei did it i will not greet Margery tyrell with "nice dress wheres the rest of it?"

35\. If something makes me laugh for more than 3 seconds i am to assume implementing it will get me killed.

36\. I will not tell Daenerys to get a move on.

37\. I will not "borrow" a dragon and re-enact the hobbit.

38\. -If i must reenact the hobbit i will not ask Tyrion to be Thorin

39\. -nor will i ask Joffrey to be Thranduil.

40\. - even if he enjoyed locking Tyrion in a dungeon. He was there for 2 months and wasn't amused.

41\. -and the wine and whore's I had to buy to make it up to him almost bankrupted me.

42\. I will not tell Joffrey all true kings can fly and see if he jumps off the battlements if he does Cersei will kill me.

43\. I will not visit ned stark in the dungeons and point out all his tactical errors, he's a good man and it's cruel.

44\. I will not film the bath scene between Brienne and Jaime without sound and send a copy to Cersei. She will get the wrong idea.

45\. I will not ask Ned stark why he dies in almost everything hes been in.

46\. I will not keep calling Cersei "lyanna" if i want to live.

47\. I will not slap Joffrey on the back of the head and then point to the person next to me when he turns around the court is running out of courtiers.

48\. If invited to a celebration at king's landing a white walker is not an appropriate date.

49\. - neither is Rob stark

50\. I will not sneak into Jon Snow's room at night and shave his head.

51\. -it is also cruel to make into a wig and wear around the castle black.

52\. - no one cares if it makes me feel pretty

53\. Telling Cersei she will not marry Loras Tyrell is acceptable telling her you heard Tywin say he is now going to marry her to Varys is not.

54\. If invited hunting by King Joffrey i will not show him up by using a machine gun.

55\. I will not try establish a referendum over Northern Independance.

I understand if i try any of the above they may result in my death.


End file.
